Lately, has your mantra been “Just rub one out and get back to work”?
We live in a time when the pressure to perform is a constant, and often unwelcome, companion. Life seems to fly by, and we’re beset by stress, notifications and due dates, at work and at home. Even sexual expression, such an essential component of who we are as human beings, can fall into the productivity paradigm too easily.
But what if we defied those expectations and opted out? What if we decided to slow down and do nothing except explore and enjoy ourselves? Why not use our self–pleasure time as an oasis – an escape from to-dos and really-shoulds, an excuse to turn off the phone and be lazy for a while.
Doing nothing is underrated. Idle time brings inspiration and self-knowledge. And to learn about how glorious laziness can tie into masturbation and self-love, we’re talking to Kiana Reeves – somatic sex educator, women’s health advocate, doula, and Foria’s Chief Brand Educator.
Kiana Reeves
Having Better Orgasms: What does "lazy" mean to you in the context of orgasms?
A wise person once said, “even hurry slowly”.
We often head into solo or partnered sex with the goal of quick and fast orgasms, achieved through the habitual ways we usually get there. Sometimes, the focus on results creates tension or even stress, getting in the way of the full relaxation necessary for arousal and release.
We hear a lot about “slowing down” but even then it’s easy to get trapped in our expectations around “performance” or “results,” so I’ve been counseling people to be “lazy” so they can achieve their best orgasm.
“Lazy” can have such negative connotations in our culture, but when it comes to sex, I like to reclaim “lazy” as a beautiful, luxurious state of being: like a cat who decides to sleep all day in the sun, stretching and basking in the glory of simple existence.
For me, the lazy way to orgasm means taking as much time as possible and moving out of your "thinking mind" and into the intelligence of your body. Think of this as an invitation to stay in bed all Sunday morning with permission to slow down completely. To touch your whole body without a goal – exploring your thighs, belly, breasts, neck, behind your knees, butt etc – not just your genitals.
You could stay increasingly curious by asking yourself questions like "what would feel good to me now?" or "what kind of touch do I want to explore next?", or just roll around and let your sensations guide you.
What are your favorite tools and best sex toys for lazy, more intense orgasms?
I love a classic wand-style vibrator, but for some people that can be too much vibration. One great thing about a wand – it’ll have a wide soft head that you can use not just on your clitoris but all around your thighs, across your pubic bone and your vulva. For internal use I love curved wands, which let you really stimulate the erectile tissue commonly known as the g–spot – while also exploring types of pleasurable and pressure points internally.
Lastly, always, always use a lube – or an arousal oil. My go-to is obviously Awaken Arousal Oil with CBD, because of its arousal-promoting qualities – and sometimes I just go for the always-handy coconut oil.
What's happening in our bodies when we take our time, and why are orgasms stronger?
Arousal! Arousal is the body's process of moving blood into the genitals, which is what promotes increased sensation and lubrication. Some people say that between 20 – 30 minutes is an average time for a person with a vulva to become fully aroused – and that can be attributed to the MANY factors that impact desire and arousal (including emotions, stress levels, setting, etc).
Your vulva is full of erectile tissue beds, and when you’re warming up – with a solo session or with a partner – it can take some time to witness what full arousal really looks and feels like in your own body. Some key ways to notice heightened arousal include noticing a feeling of fullness in your labia, firmness and swelling in your clitoris, increased amount of lubrication, and increased sensation. Full arousal can lead to stronger, more intense orgasms.
Does masturbation relieve stress?
Yes! There are many benefits to masturbation, relieving stress being one of them. Masturbation is healthy, and a great way to:
- Lower cortisol levels
- Support sleep
- Get an immune system boost.
The positive cascade of neurochemical reactions bathes your brain in feel-good hormones that support feelings of creativity and feeling powerful, and may even decrease anxiety.
What would you suggest to someone with a vulva who's uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation?
Our dominant culture is certainly not one that openly promotes the benefits of masturbation. Usually, the feelings of shame around touching our own bodies begin in childhood, with the way our parents or caretakers responded to us when we began touching ourselves – often these experiences can have religious roots, but sometimes it is simply because many people don't know how to respond to this kind of natural curiosity in children. This type of shame is something we then subconsciously take on, with the message that touching ourselves for pleasure is somehow wrong.
So! If you feel uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation you are not alone – in fact you’re among the many who seek to reclaim this relationship with themselves. It may take work, it may feel uncomfortable, sometimes you may even cry – but staying present for all of it can be incredibly healing.
My suggestion is that you meet these moments with incredible compassion for yourself and just keep those feelings company. You can always start slow. Just being naked with yourself and holding your vulva with your hands can be restorative.
What changes would you suggest for how to make masturbation better, if my routine has gotten boring and unfulfilling?
Masturbation for a lot of people is about what gets you to the goal fastest. Grabbing your go-to vibrator and having a quick 5-minute session is definitely fun, but if you are seeking a deeper understanding and relationship with your pleasure I suggest moving away from your usual masturbation routines.
Here’s how to have better orgasms while masturbating:
- Changing positions – not laying on your back or your stomach, maybe you try kneeling or moving your hips around in circles. It is also great not to go straight for the genitals – so incorporating lots of touch all over your body with the intention of pleasurable sensation is a great way to start finding new ways you like to be touched.
- Experiment with types of touch and pressure – scratching, rolling, tugging, pulling, tapping, pressing – etc. there are SO many different ways we can touch ourselves and others that can really increase and tune us into our sensations.
- Lastly – getting away from goal-oriented masturbation means not focusing on the climax. It truly is about the journey and not the destination. It truly is about getting more familiar with and comfortable in your own skin.
Learn more about masturbation and masturbation techniques here!
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