How to give good oral sex? It’s more complex than it seems. People with penises tend to love blowjobs so much that you’d think they’d be a simple thing. And you often hear oral described using the “pizza principle”: even if it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. However, if you have a person with a penis in your life, they probably recall that one really, really good BJ with a misty and faraway look. There’s a reason for this – it is entirely possible to take oral from good to great.
The secrets are basic anatomical knowledge, patience, communication, enthusiasm, and active participation on the part of the lucky recipient – and we’re here to help with all of it.
An important note: not all people with penises love blowjobs! Everyone is different, and when it comes to sex, assumptions rarely serve us well. Make sure to ask, but: if there’s a penis in bed with you, it’s probable that it’d appreciate some oral attention. (Or in the shower, or in the kitchen, or out in the woods – you get the idea.)
Without further ado...
Penis Mapping
Penises have a reputation for being simpler and less mysterious than vulvas, but this isn’t necessarily true. The nerves in our genitalia and pelvic regions are arranged in unique ways, and what transports one person to new heights of ecstasy may put another to sleep. However, there are some basic guidelines to keep in mind.
The head, or glans, is likely the most sensitive part of the penis for most. This is especially true of uncircumcised penises, since the foreskin keeps the skin of the glans moist and sensitive, but it generally applies across the board. Anatomically analogous to the head of the clitoris, the head will likely need lots of attention. And the ridge underneath, called the corona, often especially enjoys soft, steady stimulation with lots of lubrication.
The shaft of the penis is made up of the corpus spongeosum and the corpus cavernosum – the erectile tissue that fills with blood to make the penis erect. When orally pleasuring the shaft of a penis, remember that the overall action you’re going for is not unlike simulating intercourse – think rhythm and variation in pressure. Squeeze down, release up.
The frenulum is an elastic band of tissue under the glans, that connects the foreskin (or where the foreskin originally was) to the shaft. It’s similar to the membrane that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth, and even has the same name. This area is very sensitive for many, and slow, stroking movements with your tongue or a well-lubricated thumb can feel amazing for some people.
The scrotum and testicles are, according to many recipients, too often neglected during oral. Some can take quite a lot of stimulation and pressure, others are just too sensitive, but try gently cupping and stroking to start and see what happens.
The perineum (or “taint”) and prostate can play a significant role in a great BJ – if the recipient likes this kind of stimulation. P-spot play is certainly not a maneuver to spring on anyone with no warning, since many people aren’t open to it at all – but the ones who do like it tend to love it. Consider stroking, tickling or pressing the perineum while performing oral and see what reaction you get. If it’s enthusiastic, and if you have permission, read our prostate blog and consider going deeper the next time you’re down there.
Communication. (Again.)
We can’t say it often enough. Nobody is born knowing how to be a great lover, and to date, no technology exists that allows us to read one another’s minds. (Probably a good thing!) You can learn a lot from how your partner sounds and how they move their body, but the only sure-fire way to know what someone likes is to ask them, and asking can be really, really hot.
Ask about speed, pressure, strokes, special spots that they’d like you to pay attention to. Even for lovers who have been together a long time, you might be amazed at what you learn about your partner’s body through this type of curious, playful investigation. Opening the door for sexual communication is not a skill we’re taught, and can feel awkward at first – but the key to being a good lover is listening to the verbal and nonverbal cues of your partner, and staying responsive and curious.
When in doubt, ask them to show you how they pleasure themselves. Watch where they’re touching and how. It can be tricky to get past self-conscious embarrassment, but it’s worth it.
About Erections
The porno ideal is a penis that’s always rock-hard and ready for anything. This is an unkind and unfair expectation to have of people whose job isn’t having sex on camera (and a lot of those guys pop Viagra like Tic-Tacs anyway). Because we don’t have a lot of education around this topic, often people with penises and the people who love them may react negatively to the presence of a fading erection, which can lead to anxiety and self-blame – never a good time in the bedroom.
The most important thing to remember is that penises experience a lot of pleasure whether soft or erect, and there is no shame in a fluctuation of erectness. Similar to people with vulvas who don’t produce much lubrication naturally, a hide-and-go-seek hard-on is often misconstrued as a personal reflection of how the person feels about their sexual partner, which is not true at all. The omnipresent false reality of porn, and our lack of pleasure-positive sex education, has a lot of us believing that sex should always look like a 3-hour-long erection that can bang away at any speed and amount of force without ejaculating.
The truth is that erections may come and go like waves, and the more you can enjoy the penis at all phases of its fullness, the more pleasure your partner will be able to feel – because soft, semi-hard, and fully erect penises all love attention.
Not just the tip
Now that we’ve got all that out of the way, on to the Tips and Tricks section! (We know a lot of you are probably here for this.) Again: no amount of practiced technique makes up for listening, asking questions and paying attention, but there are a few things to remember that you may not have considered.
Lubrication. Most penises don’t naturally produce a lot of lubrication on their own. (Some do! Everyone is different.) Whether it’s homegrown or comes out of a bottle, lubrication is absolutely key – not only for the recipient, but for the giver. It takes the stress of friction off both the penis and the mouth, making the experience more enjoyable for everyone. Any movement on or around the penis should be well-lubricated at all times, whether with abundant saliva, a tasty natural lube, or both.
No teeth. A very few people actually do enjoy toothy blowjobs. This is so rare that they’ll probably tell you about it. It’s safest to assume that your teeth do not belong anywhere near a standard BJ, and making sure they’re not should be a top priority. This is especially true if your partner isn’t circumcised, since the glans will be more sensitive. It may help to push your lips out instead of in when covering your teeth.
To spit or swallow? It’s up to you! Some people enjoy swallowing semen, some hate it, and some force it down because they feel like they should. There’s no “should” here. Swallowing is not a must, and if anyone insists that it is, consider giving head to somebody more deserving. Same goes for receiving semen on any part of your body. Regardless of the latest trend in porn, if your partner is pressuring you to do something you don’t want to – kick ‘em to the curb.
That said, drinking a sexual fluid directly from your partner's body can be incredibly erotic. Certain spiritual and sexual practices around the world describe semen as being a highly nourishing substance when ingested, which makes sense considering all of the nutrients your body puts into these vital, life-producing fluids. Even if you’re not looking for the nutritional aspect of sperm, the type of intimacy that can happen with (safe) fluid exchange can be deeply special.
Regardless, if you decide swallowing isn’t for you, spitting discreetly instead of lunging for the wastebasket saying “ew” is just good manners. And if you want to avoid the issue altogether, you can switch to using your hands at the crucial moment.
Speaking of…
Use your hands. Another porno expectation is that the person on the giving end should be able to get the whole job done with just their mouth – but this is not realistic, because it can be tiring, and many people with penises need more intense and varied stimulation. Hands add a lovely variation to the pressure, warmth, and wetness of your mouth. Just make sure there’s plenty of lube.
Experiment with using different types of up, down, around, and slow strokes, and holding firm at the base. Ask your partner what feels best. Examples: one hand starts at the base and moves in synchronicity with the mouth, or just keeps steady firm pressure at the root. Try two hands – one can stay steady while the other moves up and down along the shaft, while your mouth is more focused at the tip. And if your tongue and jaw need a break, try switching to only hands for a few minutes – this is a great time for some sexy communication, or a really good makeout session.
For more on intimacy by hand, check out this blog post.
Deepthroating. Oh hey, yet another porno expectation. Some people can do it. Many can’t. There’s no shame in having a gag reflex – it’s there to help keep you alive! Also, many penis-havers say that the idea of deepthroating is often hotter than the practice, as it’s more difficult to get varied stimulation on the penis parts that count, and trickier to avoid teeth.
If you’d still like to give it a try, and your partner is the right height, consider lying on your back and dropping your head back, off the edge of a bed or other waist-high surface. This may open your throat enough to allow for thrusting without gagging. Squeeze the shaft with your hand to control the rhythm and add extra stimulation. And breathe through your nose! But again – if you don’t want to, don’t.
Enthusiasm. Over and over again, BJ recipients say that the key factors for their enjoyment (apart from a lack of teeth) are adequate lubrication, and enthusiasm on the part of the giver. Nobody likes feeling like a chore. It’s easier to be enthusiastic if you’re confident, and confidence takes practice and the all-important communication. Listen, pay attention, be curious, and have fun.
What if I’m receiving?
Receivers of oral pleasure, whether they have vulvas or penises, have a job too. That job is to communicate with your partner about what you like. Don’t expect your lover to be able to read your body – think of all sexual intimacy as a collaboration. Even when you’re receiving, you have to be an active participant. Get comfortable with the idea of moving, making sounds, and providing direction. If the giver knows you love what they’re doing, that’s the trick to the all-important enthusiasm – and fulfilling intimacy in general.
As far as basic practical concerns, make sure you’re clean. Change underwear daily. Wash regularly with gentle soap, especially if you work a physical job or regularly participate in athletic activities. Make sure you’re cleaning your butt well, too (a bidet can be a wonderful investment in general). If your partner is apprehensive, they might like trying a shower ‘job to make sure everything is spanking-fresh.
And always keep in mind that a lot of what you see on Redtube is meant for the camera, and intended to tell a story, not depict what works in real life. Rough BJs, with hair-pulling, vigorous thrusting and facials, are standard in porn, but not something to attempt in real life without prior discussion. Don’t push the giver’s head down unless you know they like it. Let them go at their own pace. Let them know when you’re about to climax, so they can respond how they prefer. Or they might be into a porno fantasy! You’ll only know for sure if you ask.
We can’t say it enough – fulfilling sexual intimacy is collaborative. It’s a joint project between partners, not just something being done to someone else, and despite the name, a blowjob needn’t be a job. A de rigeur sexual practice can become something transcendent – with communication, curiosity, joy, and lots and lots of lube.
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