“I want to make love to you all night long.” Oooooohhhh. What a delicious thing to hear, whispered in your ear (or popping up on your phone.)
Long-time love can be more fun in theory than in practice. There’s often an excessive, unrealistic emphasis on being able to last for ages, especially for people with penises – as if intercourse is a sport or a video game achievement. Hours of sex doesn’t necessarily mean good sex. And even if our hearts and minds truly desire a marathon of pleasure, our bodies may have other ideas.
So if we do want to go all night, how can we support ourselves and our partners to help ensure an unforgettable time?
Masturbate.
It may sound counterintuitive, but a mindful, varied solo sex routine can tell you a lot about how to last longer in bed with a partner. This applies no matter what genitalia you have.
You’ll know what kind of touch pushes you over the edge, what brings you back from the brink, and what can keep you going – all essential knowledge for both you and your lover, so share!
And we’ve said this before, but we can’t say it often enough: incorporating masturbation into intimacy with a partner is a wonderful thing. This is especially true when you want to last and last – if things are getting too intense, or if you need more intensity to keep going, take matters into your own hands and switch gears as needed.
Change it up.
The usual Sex Narrative, promoted by hardcore porn, mainstream movies and TV, and soft-focus romance novels alike, is pretty formulaic. Kissing, stroking, disrobing, more stroking, oral, intercourse until both parties climax, done.
And penetration is usually presented as “the main event” – the part that’s supposed to go on… and on… and on.
We think that story is getting tired, and it’s also not realistic or achievable – or as interesting as it could be – for many people. So throw out the script!
Take breaks from penetration and go back to oral, or hand sex, or even just kissing, or, heck, go get a snack. (Make sure you and your partner are on the same page for that one). Switch to mutual masturbation, or snuggling, or break out the toys, or have a dirty conversation.
Dipping in and out of intercourse (lol), instead of getting in and staying in, is a great way to learn how to last – and create an experience that’s unique to you and your lover, instead of the Big Porno Director In The Sky.
How to last longer in bed if you have a penis.
We’ll just come out and say it: you’re probably worried about either premature ejaculation, or wilting before you and your partner are satisfied.
Fortunately there’s a lot you can do to build endurance and take the pressure off, often before you get between the sheets.
- Just so you know… Worldwide, the average time it takes to ejaculate is around five and a half minutes. Those guys in the pornos are experienced professionals with a lot of training and a lot of help. Expecting to duplicate their performance is about as realistic as jogging three times a week and expecting to beat Usain Bolt’s times. So go easy on yourself.
- Communicate. “Hey, sometimes I get a little anxious about finishing too soon” does not sound like a very erotic thing to say, but believe us, it certainly can be. Speaking our fears out loud often loosens their hold over us. If you can tell your partner what you need to last, as sexily as possible, so much the better.
- Kegels. Kegel exercises are usually recommended for people with vulvas, to improve pelvic tone and orgasm quality, but they’re great for penis owners as well. A regular pubococcygeal workout can improve orgasmic control and sensation.
- Masturbate beforehand. The timing can be a bit tricky – a good argument for Knowing Thyself – but if you’re concerned about premature ejaculation and planning some all-night-long lovin’, go ahead and rub one out. A classic tactic for a reason.
- Practice edging. In a nutshell, edging means stimulating your penis (or having it stimulated) until juuuuuuust before you come, and then stopping. Edging enthusiasts say this practice leads to much better orgasms and improved control; we say it also helps you learn how your unique body works and what it needs. Win/win!
So now you’re there, and they’re there, and you’re well on your way to a sex sesh that takes longer to end than “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King”. How can you keep it going as long as you both want?
- Explore subtler stimulation. The best sex positions for lasting longer in bed are usually the ones that involve less intense friction and a smaller range of movement. Seated face-to-face, rear-entry with your partner lying on their belly, and spooning are great for this. You can also try changing up the angle of your thrust so it’s shallower, and if your partner has a vulva, this may be a great way to access their G-spot as well.
- Use condoms. And remember that the regular latex condoms you buy at the gas station are not the only ones available! There’s a whole world of condoms that feel quite different, but still decrease sensation just enough to keep you going. Lambskin condoms feel very natural and get along great with our oil-based Intimacy line, though they don’t provide STD protection. If that’s a concern, go with polyurethane.
- Talk to a doc. Persistent erectile dysfunction and/or premature ejaculation can be a symptom of mental or physical health concerns – and sometimes they’re the only noticeable symptom. If you’re concerned, see a urologist.
How to last longer in bed if you have a vulva.
Among vulva owners, pain, fatigue, and even boredom are the most common concerns about how to last a long time. Vaginas are durable, but everyone has their limit – and when your vagina says “no more”, it’s wise to listen.
So what can you do to make sure your all-night sex sesh ends with “wow” instead of “ow”?
Communicate. (Yes, we always say this. That’s because it’s always true.) If your partner has a penis – or even if their penis lives in a drawer – they may be under the impression that they need to pound away doggedly for hours in order to be a good lover. Ask yourself: is that what it takes to be a good lover to you? If the answer is no, as it often is, tell them! They may be extremely relieved to hear it.
Understand arousal. Your arousal, particularly. When you’re really truly turned on, the tiny blood vessels in your genitalia (and other parts, like your nipples) expand and fill with blood. This process enables lubrication, as well as the best oooohhhhhh sensations that lead to orgasm.
If you’re not really aroused, intercourse will start to chafe. So what’s your turn-on story? Do you need consistent stimulation in one way for a long time, or do you get juicier with a buffet of options? Can you easily have multiple orgasms, or are you one and done? Do you perhaps need a little outside help? The more you know – and are able to share – the better.
Use lube! Good lube! Lots! Yes, even if you know you can get wet reliably and easily. Vaginal lubrication may come and go for many reasons, and if it decides to go suddenly – ouch. Also, copious lube may help your penis-having partner last longer, and it’s great to have on hand for switching to a sexy massage.
Take charge! If you find yourself getting in your head instead of experiencing the sensations in your body, that’s a good sign that your long-time love may end before you want it to. If you know what you need to keep going, you can tell your partner – “more lube, please” or “I’m gonna help you out by touching myself” or “let me watch you masturbate for a while”. Or even “whew, you’re wearing me out – wanna have a relaxing bath?”
When it really hurts. There’s soreness and fatigue, for which we are proud to offer lots of support, and then there’s pain. Never try to push through genital or abdominal pain that demands your undivided attention; this can be a symptom of several conditions that warrant a trip to the gyno.
In praise of breaks.
Great partnered sex, and intimacy in general, is about the two of you in all your unique glory. It’s about exploration, curiosity, and collaboration – creating your own sexy story as you go.
So if you need to pause – take a break, have a snooze, have a nibble, have a chat, trade massages, or anything else that fuels erotic creativity – do it! Unforgettable nights are all about the journey, the twists and turns along the way, and what you learn about yourselves – and if the ending is spectacular? So much the better.
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